The life you want begins the moment you embrace the life you have because all of it is a miracle. (Rob Bell)
This statement has not always felt true to me. However, as much as I don’t like some lessons I’ve been called to learn in my life, if I am honest I know that some of the most difficult moments did hold the greatest miracles to having the life I really want.
What’s at the root of difficult moments?
In answering that question, I was tempted to separate out events like the illness or death of a loved one or losing a job. My initial reaction was to say the root cause of those difficult moments associated was different. But the more I thought about it, I realized that beyond the obvious sadness and sense of loss in those events, the real angst for me is rooted in the same feeling. Something I don’t want to happen is happening or I fear it will happen. And I can do nothing about it. I don’t have control.
I’m sure there are a lot of reasons for my deep desire to control my environment. However, the reasons are less important than recognizing and admitting how much pain this need for control has caused me. I know I am not alone in this desire to prevent situations or events that I don’t want to happen. We all do it to some extent. So what is one of one of those times in your life? Can we agree the feeling of powerlessness to control our environment is a horrible feeling?
Fighting for control.
When the situation is outside of my control, I’ve tried to convince myself that if I replay the situation enough times in my head, I will uncover a scenario in which the outcome is what I want. I convince myself the problem can be corrected if I can just examine it from the right angle or perspective. I convince myself that once the desired outcome is uncovered, I can put the wheels in motion to make it happen and I will be back in control.
Two years ago, I spent months on and off replaying a situation that was outside my control. It involved an individual I believed didn’t respect relationship boundaries. I internally cringed whenever her name came up or I would be in a situation that caused me to spend time with her. My experience during the times we had spent together was that she would randomly say things I felt were inappropriate. She would say things that would trip my “insecurity trigger” and I would launch into an uncontrollable spiral of anxiety. So, when I knew I would see her, I replayed in my mind ways I might control the conversation and prevent the emotional triggers that had happened in the past. I replayed “What if I said…” scenarios over and over in my mind hoping to discover the magic formula for navigating those conversations.
Did I ever find that magic formula? No. I can’t say I did. But here is where the difficult moments turned into some of my life’s greatest miracles.
Finding the miracle.
As I came to realize there was no scenario in which I could control what she said, I also learned the reason her words had such power to upset me had to do with me. As much as I wanted to lay the blame on her doorstep, I had to admit that I was giving her that power. I was not loving myself enough to let her comments slide off my back without engaging my emotions. Working through the truth that the only reason her words affected me so much was because I allowed it to be so has been part of my journey to let go of negative self-talk and embrace the amazing woman I am.
The more I celebrate all that I am, my strengths and my weaknesses, the less I feel the need to control my environment to protect myself. I experience a freedom that comes from letting go of the need to control everything in my life. It is a gift to admit, as I do, that although I would rather not be in the company of people who say or do things that have the potential to snag my emotions, I control whether I give them the power to impact me that way.
I am now better able to see moments like these as miracles because they help me grow, they help me see how incredible I am just the way I am, and they help me let go little by little of my need to control all the events of my life.
Are there people or events in your life that snag your emotions and have the power to drag you into a negative emotional space? Try assuming there is a miracle to be found in the moment. Step back and observe the interaction or event that is tripping you up. What’s going on? Are you are bringing something to the interaction that is influencing the emotion you are feeling? What is it? Take a few moments and write about the situation. Let your words flow to the page and see where they take you. The moment you begin to recognize your role in the situation, you begin to have the power to choose a different path. And that’s a miracle!
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