To listen.
I was in a minor accident recently. Nobody was hurt. But the experience I had dealing with the police officer and my subsequent anger caught me off guard. When I told the officer what had happened, he said, “That is not possible. That could not have happened.” At first, I was confused, “Why didn’t he believe me.” Then I was angry. I told him exactly what happened, I even tried to diagram my story for him to visually see what had occurred and again he said, “Not possible.” The more he insisted that I was wrong, the more outraged I felt. He just dismissed my description of the events with no regard. Done.
I went home fuming that I had been so dismissed. I ranted and roared about the idiocy of that police officer. I was out of control with rage. I walked for a while hoping to get my emotions under control. When I felt I had possibly calmed down enough to go on with my evening, I returned home only to get wound up yet again. Nothing seemed to work. Why? Because I felt I had been dismissed. He had not heard a word I had said.
Underneath my anger I thought about people for whom being dismissed or misunderstood is perhaps a way of life. I appreciated that my situation was relatively insignificant compared to those on the edges of society who I can imagine feel as if they never have a voice. And I felt sad for the frustration and powerlessness they must feel in those moments. And sadder still for the reality that like me, they may eventually give up trying to be heard because no one is listening. Those in power have made up their minds. Done.
After a day or two I have made my peace with what happened. I am, however, using this situation as a reminder I need to be aware and listen in situations where I hold the power. I included the need to be aware because for often in our lives where we hold the power, being aware and present is as important as listening. What are some of those times?
Relationships. How often have I assumed I knew the whole story and made my judgment with my husband or my children? How often have I listened to one half of the story at work and judged a coworker to be lazy or irresponsible? Words have power and in these situations, I hold the power to uplift or tear someone down.
Shopping/Stores. Have you ever worked in retail? It is often a thankless job. When you are the person with the money, you have the power. How much effort does it take to look the person in the eye, thank them (using their name if possible) before walking off with your purchases? When mistakes happen, and they do, can I listen rather than get annoyed? Can I offer recognition that mistakes happen and give them a chance to correct?
Groups or communities. I belong to various groups or teams that offer me lots of chances to listen and not judge. We all have power in our groups and communities. I have the power to help the group function well or to be part of the dysfunction that too often occurs. Do I join in with others when they are judging and bad-mouthing another member? Do I remain silent? Or do I take the approach there may be “more to the story” and suggest questions be asked before judgments are made?
This is not a political commentary however I think it relates to my message. Our country is in a lot of pain right now. Whichever side of the political aisle you sit on, it seems clear those with the power are not listening well. Certainly not to each other. They have decided on what is ‘possible’ and there is no room for any other viewpoint. And we are not listening well to each other either. I point the finger at myself to start. It is difficult to listen to viewpoints that differ from our own. I know it is difficult for me. I am trying to challenge myself to be willing to listen when the opportunity presents itself. Ask questions. Try and understand a point of view different than mine.
I’ve been able to do this in some circles. A good friend of mine and I have very different religious beliefs. However, we are both willing to listen and we respect each other’s views. The ground rules we’ve established is an understanding that we are not trying to ‘convert’ the other. When we disagree, we say so but only after listening. We offer our truth without judgement of the other. We’re willing to accept that neither one of us has the only ‘right’ answer. Different views are possible.
What about you? Have you ever been dismissed? How did you feel?
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