I’m an achiever. On the Strengthsfinder test, Achiever is my #1 strength. It is certainly the way I’ve defined myself for as long as I can remember. I push myself, set goals, plan strategies, and then put my shoulder to the wheel and achieve. Can you relate?
This past January, I began to feel as though the plans and strategies I created had taken a wrong turn. I had created a plan to move forward on promoting my book, cultivating speaking opportunities, and continuing my involvement with different volunteer opportunities. I enjoyed each of these activities. However, instead of feeling energized by the activities on my task list, I felt overwhelmed. I couldn’t move forward in any direction.
I realize we all get overwhelmed. We lead busy lives with many different demands on our time. However, this feeling was different. My feelings of being overwhelmed felt like they had less to do with the number of activities on my To Do list and more with the growing feeling that I was out of sync with myself. Even though each of the different activities I was involved in were positive and activities I enjoyed, I felt unsettled and on some days even anxious.
I expressed my feelings of emotional overload to a friend and colleague. I confessed that I felt as though the reason I had these feelings was because I had just taken on too much. I believed I needed to figure out what to let go of to create more balance in my life. With all my time commitments satisfying some area of my goals for achievement, the struggle was to figure out where to back away and how to prioritize my time. My friend offered me a priority matrix she has used in the past. I carefully filled out the matrix, looked at the results, and thought, “Okay, it looks as though there are some lower priority activities I can let go of for now.” I adjusted my schedule and gave myself permission to be less involved in those areas.
Maybe it’s just that I’m impatient but the feeling of being out of alignment did not go away even after several weeks of letting go of those activities. I was disappointed and frustrated. I questioned whether I had been honest with myself as I completed the priority matrix grid. I thought I had but considered that maybe I had let the word “should” creep in to my decision-making process. I think we can all relate to how the word “should” can so easily creep into our priorities.
Questioning whether I was being honest with myself led me to filling out that form five or six more times during over the next couple of months. I think I was looking for the answers to be something I wanted to see at the top of the list. The idea of what I ‘should’ do to market my book and build a speaking business were difficult to release. Each time I completed the matrix, spending time in Meditation / Silence came up as the #1 priority for me. Writing and speaking, two priorities that felt important typically came in somewhere among the top 5 along with some less specific priorities like being present and being encouraging. In full disclosure, the commitment to exercise regularly came in close to the bottom of the list each time. I think I put it on the list because I recognize it ‘should’ be important to me. I smiled as I realized that at least I’m consistent.
I needed to make a U-Turn. It was time to step back, listen to where I was being called and what I was being called to do. It was time to be led by Spirit rather than seek always to lead.
Wayne Dyer says in his book Living an Inspired Life, that when he feels called to something higher and then does nothing about it (or as in my case I filled my life with other busyness), he experiences discontentment and disappointment. But he says that when he acts upon the calling by being in vibrational harmony with it, he feels inspired.
What is my higher calling right now? Silence. I believe I’ve known this for months. However, being an achiever, it has been difficult for me to accept that what I need to achieve at this moment is to set aside time for silence. Months later, although I have found the peace I sought in silence, I can still at times experience the tension between achieving and being.
In the last several weeks, I have committed myself to try and be in vibrational harmony with this calling. I still give myself 30 minutes each day for meditation and silence. However, one day a week I give myself the gift of silence and leave the day wide open. Other than taking care of my family, there is no other planned activity. It’s not always the same day but on that day, I allow myself to spend as much time as I want in meditation, scripture study, and journaling. Spending this time in silence has already made a difference for me. I am at peace. I find I can live in the flow of the busyness of my life and no longer feel the emotional storms of misalignment within me.
What about you? Is busyness taking over your life? Do you feel as though you are out of alignment with your authentic self? Do you feel as though ‘you’ are missing? Do you feel agitated sometimes and wonder why?
I encourage you to give yourself the gift of discovering your authentic self, your higher calling. It’s different for each of us and can be found simply by giving yourself the time consistently to connect to God, Spirit, Source – whatever word you use. Grab a journal, find a quiet corner (outside if possible), and allow yourself the gift of hearing your deepest desires bubble up within you. Trust what you hear in the silence. Allow yourself to act upon your deepest calling whatever it is in that moment. It may, like mine be an expansion of something you are already doing. Or, you may surprise yourself and find that what is calling you is something you haven’t even considered. How exciting.
I’m still an achiever so I’m sure I will, at some time in the future, find myself out of alignment with my higher calling again and need to take another U-turn. What I know is that I can trust the silence. I have experienced that when I return to the place of listening instead of trying to figure things out myself, I am connected to my true self. Inner peace is always within reach when I allow myself to be still.
Note: The priority matrix I used is copyrighted so I can’t include it here. However, it’s simple to recreate. Make a list of ten “items or activities” that are important to you (I’ve put five from my list here as an example). Then, compare them to each other one by one asking yourself which one of the two is more important. My list included:
- Meditation/Silence
- Prison Ministry
- Writing
- Book Promotion
- Networking Events
Then compare 1 & 2 – which of these two do you feel most drawn to right now. Then create a row that lets you compare 1 & 3, and 2 & 3 doing the same thing. Your next row will compare 1 & 4, 2 & 4, and 3 & 4 again circling the one you feel drawn to right now. Your last row will begin as 1 & 10, 2 & 10, 3 & 10 all the way to 9 & 10 where you will again circle one of the two items or activities. When you’re finished total up how often you circled each number. For me, Meditation/Silence received nine (the maximum) #1 votes with Prison Ministry following next with eight #1 votes.