What were you doing the last time you gave away hours of your life?
I’m not talking about the business meeting where Tom spent 45 minutes rehashing reasons he disagreed with a decision the team had already made. Whose turn was it to bring the hook anyway? I’m talking about the hours we give away when we allow ourselves to head down emotional rabbit holes that are unproductive. The downward emotional spirals that are the thieves of precious hours of our lives.
My sister-in-law and I were visiting my sister in Atlanta recently. We get together once a year for what we refer to as “sissy weekend” to talk, laugh, eat, drink wine, and shop. The weekend is all about spending time together. No agendas. No deadlines. Just a time away from our otherwise busy lives to reconnect with each other.
I expected this year would be exactly the same. That set me up to be disappointed no matter how the weekend went because no two experiences are ever the same. In fact, while in my mind the other years had been similar, I’m sure each of those weekends were not mirror images of one another either. This year things were very different. Even before we arrived we had made plans to get friends together and do one of those Escape Rooms. We thought it would be fun. That meant that we needed to be in a certain place at a specific time. Our planning went sideways though. We hadn’t considered the distances or the Atlanta traffic in our planning. One of our group lived further south so we picked them up (and dropped them off) at the train station. Then we goofed on the dinner reservations so instead of having dinner near the Escape Room we did a lot of driving back and forth to the train. I still could have had a wonderful time, if I had allowed that. But, as the day unfolded and the hectic pace of driving from one activity to the next replaced time spent just being together, all I could think was, “What happened to sissy weekend?”
Have you ever experienced a situation like this? A situation in which you, as my father used to say, “Wrote the script” of how things would go only to see the time spent differently.
You may read this thinking, what’s the big deal. Why did you get so upset? I get that. However, emotions are not logical and at times, they are difficult to control. I wish I could tell you I snapped out of it but that would not be true. I became more sad and moody. I remember thinking in the moment, “You are behaving like a petulant child. Get over it.” But I didn’t snap out of it. I had created a picture in my mind of what this weekend would be. And, I had placed a lot of importance on it being just the way I pictured it. The way I remembered other weekends. Instead of enjoying the moment and the fun activities, I gave away my time to Thief #1.
Thief #1 – The expectation that things should always be the same
Expecting people, places, or experiences to remain the same is unrealistic. I think doing so is a recipe for disaster. Emotional disaster. We’ve likely all heard the expression, “You can’t go home again.” The truth in that statement lies in the reality that when you go back to anything in life, it will not be exactly the same as it was previously. You can go home again, but home will be different.
My fixation on having everything be the way I remembered it being on sissy weekend was the first thief of my time that weekend. I am usually more flexible about changes to plans so that was not the problem. As I journaled about the weekend upon my return, I realized I had put too much importance in my mind on how I imagined the weekend would play out. I remembered back to other sissy weekends and was unwilling to imagine a different adventure. So, when I felt the weekend take a very different turn, it was an emotional blow for me. One I could not work through in that moment. Holding onto an image of what I pictured the weekend would be instead of allowing myself to enjoy the weekend as it unfolded led to the appearance of my old friends, regret and guilt. These two thieves have stolen more hours, days, and weeks of my life than I care to admit. They stole even more of that weekend.
Thieves #2 and #3 – Regret and Guilt
I’ve combined these two thieves because for me that are almost always inextricably connected. Whichever one comes to steal time from me first is usually joined by its evil twin.
You don’t need me to tell you that regret over mistakes, decisions, or actions that have already taken place serves no useful purpose. I’m sure you know that, intellectually. However, I hope you’ll indulge me because I think we need to be reminded of that occasionally. Regret steals precious time from your life each time you replay a situation repeatedly in your mind wishing it had been different. Regret leads to negative self-talk, sadness, and sometimes fear that others around you will not only judge you but will find it difficult to forgive you. Regret can also lead to failure to act and in extreme cases, “analysis paralysis” for fear we will make another decision we will come to regret.
As I drove home from my sister’s that weekend, I felt tremendous regret and guilt. I wished I had snapped myself out of my funk in time to enjoy the weekend. And, I felt guilty that I had spoiled the weekend for others. Perhaps the long, solitary drive home made the situation even worse but as I drove I lost all sense of perspective. I spiraled deeper and deeper into wallowing in the feeling that my actions had been horrible and unforgiveable. As I drove home, I fell further and further into my self-imposed prison of regret. Instead of enjoying the beautiful sunshine and thinking about the things I had enjoyed, I beat myself up for seven hours. What was the point? All of that berating of myself did not change what had happened that weekend AT ALL.
Gaining perspective
The following morning, I took the time to write about the whole experience. I find writing in my journal very therapeutic. Hopefully, you’ve already discovered this wonderful tool to help you emerge from your own self-imposed dark holes. If not, let me encourage you to grab a notebook and let the writing begin!
Numerous thieves are more than willing to steal time from you. It is humbling to share this story, but I wanted to encourage you to identify thieves that may have stolen or may steal some of your precious hours of life. Look them in the face. Decide to own the truth that you are giving these demons too much power. When you own your actions, you are on your way to taking that power back. In my book, Say Yes 2 Your Life: Journey to Celebrate Your “is-ness,” I encourage readers to:
Let go of the need to “get it right” every time. You will not get everything exactly right every time. Living an authentic life and celebrating your “is-ness” means being willing to let go of the pursuit of perfection. It means giving yourself permission to make mistakes without beating yourself up.
Your “is-ness” is the person you were born. The beautiful child God created you to be with unique gifts, passions, and strengths. Give yourself the freedom to live the life you feel called to live by owning your is-ness and celebrating all that you are and the positive impact you are making in the world around you. You are not perfect. And, you don’t have to be. When you celebrate your is-ness, you are loving all of you – the stuff that looks and feels good AND the weaknesses that cause you to do and say things you wish you did not.
I gave those thieves of mine too much power this weekend. I hate I did that. However, I can’t change that. However, by Monday morning I had successfully put them in their place. I refused to continue to allow them to replay the events and drag me down even further. I was not always able to do this. I used to rehash my mistakes over and over for days and days. The tape in my head would not be quiet. Now, I can quiet my inner critic much more quickly. As I have learned to say yes to my life, I have let go of comparisons and the belief that making mistakes makes me unworthy. I give myself the gift of owning all of who I am. I know I will make mistakes. I am sure I will make decisions that I will wish I could undo. But now I extend the grace to myself that I readily offer to others and forgive myself. I am all I need to be – and that doesn’t include getting things right every time.
What thieves have stolen your precious hours? Have you ever beaten yourself up because of mistakes you’ve made? After ten years on this journey, I have found great freedom in living an authentic life. The truth is living authentically has been life changing for me and I’d like to share what I’ve learned with you. Discover and celebrate your “is-ness.” My book Say Yes 2 Your Life: Journey to Celebrate Your “is-ness” is available on Amazon in both paperback and on Kindle. And, this month I’m offering a special gift to the first 10 people that purchase the book (in either form) and write a review. When you email me a copy of your Amazon review (sally@stretch4success.com), you will receive a complimentary copy of the companion journal, Say Yes 2 Your Life: Your Journey (valued at $11.49).